walkin’ and rantin’

August 20, 2011 § Leave a comment

I’m in the home stretch of finals week, so a fluff post it is again for you. I took a walk around my neighborhood just now, partly because I could feel my blood congealing in my butt and partly because clearly I was just on Facebook anyway so I may as well procrastinate in a productive, not-staring-at-a-screen type of way. I was walking fast because it helps shake the congealiness out and also because it was dusk and my neighborhood seems to have an unusually high number of men (of all ages and races) who like to wear beaters and hang out of trucks hollering at girls walking alone at dusk. I get all angry and ranty when I walk fast, regardless of how I was feeling at rest, so by the end of my walk I was on FIRE. I had mercilessly cut down my (imagined) opponents with the cleverest quips and phrasing, and if anyone was there I would totally have laid into them and they would have regretted ever turning on me.

J/K because I’m missing at least three synapses that connect my brain to my mouth. I think, actually, that those synapses detached themselves from my mouth and snaked on down to my fingers at a very early age, leaving me red-faced and stammering in real life, but smooth talking and quick-witted on the page. Or screen. Technology.

Anyway the moral of the story is, I’m really brilliant when I’m alone; it’s just when I get around other people that I become the (lovable?) mess as everyone seems to know me.

i quit my job, blah blah blah

August 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

But really the thing that has me all up in a tizzy at the moment is this:

My entire high school class is currently planning its own 10 year reunion… on a group chat on facebook.

Oh the times, they are a’changin’.

BIG SCARY ASS NEWS

August 16, 2011 § Leave a comment

I got a job. With a theater. Part time. They want me to start next Wednesday.

I am freaking out. Jubilation, and then my heart drops into my stomach and I break out in a cold sweat. Have to put in my two weeks. Have to leave the comfort of the reliable paycheck, the friends I’ve made.

I want to throw up, of joy and terror.

update for update’s sake

August 14, 2011 § Leave a comment

Obviously, I have no readers, so this post is for me.  I was in vacation mode and am now in FINALS mode, so no updates for another week most likely. But there is much to discuss and mull over.  The political and economic climate seems to be getting worse and worse and I am getting more and more nervous, mainly because I am a scrub and can’t manage to get my act together.  How can a lackadaisical, unorganized person such as myself really expect to pull it together well enough to freelance and not starve?? Oh lordy, the questions.  The lack of answers.

Also, school sucks and I hate it. Wish I could just go play outside.*

*Yes I would like some cheese with that whine

too much NPR

August 4, 2011 § Leave a comment

As my self-proposed date of departure draws nearer and nearer and the stories on Marketplace get gloomier and gloomier, my fears and second thoughts are starting to take over.  As terrified and stupid as I feel going into this headfirst, I have to keep reminding myself of a few major points.

1) It could be another decade before we really feel in the clear, monetarily (that is, if we haven’t launched ourselves into a full on Hunger Games scenario) I can’t spend my youth waiting for the market to get better in order to do something I know I want to do with my life.

2) In a few years I hope to have the added worries of planning/paying for a wedding and/or a family to support. If I’m going to leap, I should leap while I can hurt only myself.

Come on, Kai Ryssdal, tell me THAT story*, with your dulcet tones.

*j/k you could tell me you just burned down my house and I would still love you.  Pat Brogan, though, you’ll have to work a little harder. You say your name funny.

things I’d like not to repeat

August 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

The last time I freelanced, I did a lot of things wrong.  These are the ones I least want to re-experience.

1 – I was so lonely, and so jealous of colorful tales from my roommates of coworkers and the mythical “happy hour,” that I called Kojo Nnamdi and Big Tig my “coworkers” and gave myself “business lunches” in which I would drink by myself at lunchtime.

2 – I left my hair in a towel for at least an hour a day.

3 – I accepted non-paying work. More than once.

4 – I only ate couscous.

why for and other unanswerables

August 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

I graduated college with a Theater degree in August of 2008, pretty much exactly when our economic rug was janked right out from under us.  I was full of hope and zest and roses then; it was beautiful.  And then I fell down a flight of stairs.

Literally, I fell down a flight of stairs two months after I was unceremoniously kicked off my parents’ health insurance for turning 22, effectively ruining my knee for life and saddling myself with a whole shiz-ton of brand new medical bills. And figuratively, it was a bumpy, jarring road to the bottom of that year in which I limped along (literally, figuratively, etc.) from part-time gig to part-time gig, and often had to pay my dear, darling, ever-patient roommate rent in installments, even more often having to borrow from my dear, darling, overburdened parents to pay in full.

So when my friend called out of the blue almost exactly a year later and said, “I know it’s The Man and all, but do you want a day job?”  I cautiously asked if there was health insurance involved, and at the first glimmer of a “Y-” I was in like mother truckin flynn.   Even then I knew myself well enough to know that if I’m slightly comfortable I’ll stay forever, and so I told myself, two years.  I would take two years to get my ducks in a row, and then I would be out. The recession would surely be better by then, and I would be the picture of fiscal responsibility.

So I became a tech writer. With a regular paycheck. For the first six months, I felt like a legit billionaire.  Jumping several tax brackets from 6K to 30K a year will do that for you.  But the problem remained that I’m an artist. I can’t help it. Believe me, if I could I would.  And even more unfortunately, I’m an artist who has to work with others, on others’ schedules, in order to do my art.  But so it went.  I could suddenly afford things, and not even just rent!  I made fantastic friends at my new job. I could go on vacation. I. Had. HEALTH INSURANCE.  The first several months of my job all I did was joyously make doctor appointments. I am not kidding; it was my favorite thing.

But the longer I stayed, and the more comfortable I became with the paycheck, and the better friends I became with my coworkers, the more difficult it became to think about leaving.  So why DO you want to leave, you may be asking yourself.  Part of it is that, no matter how much I love my coworkers, my sweet commute, and the regular paycheck (though, two years later, it ain’t quite as sexy as it used to be), when it comes right down to it, I can’t stand my job, and have no desire to go any farther up the food chain in that particular area of business.  The other part, the biggest part, is that, while I no longer have the issue of not being able to afford my art money-wise, I now can’t afford it time-wise.  The nail(s) in the coffin were delivered this spring, when I took on WAY too many gigs related to my art, and ended up working 80 hour weeks for about two months straight; no weekends.  No, it was not the smartest thing I’ve ever done.  History will tell whether it was the dumbest (something tells me… I’ll do dumber).

But it made me realize that if I don’t take this leap and hope to everything holy that I won’t crash and burn (*cough*likelasttime*cough*), then I will be miserable forever. I will be one of Those People who is bitter and ugly (on the inside!), who drags herself to work where she bitches about her homelife, and then goes home where she bitches about her work life. I’m not trying to be dramatic; it’s a phenomenon we are all well acquainted with.

Basically, my current life goal is I’m just not tryna be That Guy.

So I’ma do it. Quit my day job in pursuit of art. In a recession, on purpose. And record it here. We’ll see how that goes.

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