Two Thoughts Diverged in a Wine Bottle

November 14, 2011 § Leave a comment

I should be in bed right now, but that’s how much I love you*. I just spent the loveliest weekend + two days off to attend a wedding for one of my very oldest and very dearest, and I’m hanging on to that wonderful, relaxing, full of love feeling as much as possible before I go back into the belly of the beast**.

I’ll be honest, this tv thing is hard. I didn’t expect it to be so hard. I think a lot of it is just the learning curve, and the level of embarrassment and/or shame I feel every time I don’t automatically pick up on or know something, regardless of the fact that I have zero prior film experience so why would I know certain nuggets of information pertaining only to costuming for film. And the fact that I’m spoiled and have been the boss or first hand for every project I’ve worked on since, oh, 2007, and I straight up forgot what it is like to be the least experienced, lowest rung on the totem pole. And let me tell you, it is not my favorite.

Lucky for me, everyone I work with is so incredibly nice and actively wants to help me learn the biz. In that way, it’s a great learning experience. I just really hate learning experiences. I read an article once about my people, “smart kids,” and it really rang true for me. “Smart kids” (with the quotation marks) are the kids who had no trouble in school; every class we came across was a breeze, until our late teens or early twenties when things finally started getting hard for us. Suddenly we struggled, and instead of furrowing our brows, putting our heads down, and working at the things that were hard for us like everyone else did, we quit. Because, oh yeah, being naturally ahead your whole life makes you lazy.

I’m aware of my laziness, and my inexplicable shame at not immediately knowing how to do things, so I try to work through it. But at this point I’m so used to my comfort zone, it’s hard. Which brings me to the other thought that diverged in this winey, and somewhat cheesy***, wood. Here is the most pressing thing I have learned through this experience so far: apparently, I am still so very, very, incredibly awkward with new groups of people. Apparently, I’m the type of person who stands conspicuously near a group of people, eavesdropping, laughing when they laugh, but never actually saying anything above a mutter and NEVER actually making eye contact for more than an accidental second.

I did not know this about myself. I thought I was rather gregarious and comfortable with new people. I thought I was friendly, dammit! But, apparently, the truth of the matter is, when I am thrown into a totally new situation with totally new people who know a whole hell of a lot more than I do in the most important subject of the day, I am the most awkward person who ever lived.

Since I don’t live in New York and I come from either an office or casual/non-mountainous background, I don’t know how to dress in a way that is warm, comfortable, AND fashionable. I wake up at a time that makes contacts only barely doable, and makeup impossible. Since I’m incredibly aware of the fact that I don’t actually know anyone very well because I go home every night, I am incredibly awkward to speak to. I make inside jokes with people who have no idea what I’m talking about. I blush. I get confused. I mutter. I avoid eye contact. It’s like an out of body experience. It’s not that it’s not me, because it is me… fifteen years ago. 1996 me would absolutely have all of these traits; I just thought I had gotten better at this thing, man.

It seems like people like me, though I can’t imagine why. It seems like I’m picking up things, though it doesn’t feel fast enough. I’m holding out judgement until I’ve worked for longer than three weeks, though it feels like three months. Basically, I can’t wait until I’m good at this thing.

I will like it a lot more then.

*Also how much I’m pretending I don’t have to go back to work tomorrow, plus also this cheap ass wine from the bottle is inexplicably delicious today. Please don’t be sad, the love you part is first.
**Though I’ve heard/read that it’s better this week.
***And even more hummus-y, which is a delight. Hooray for Mr. B’s taste in groceries!

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