Happy Birthday B
May 9, 2014 § 3 Comments
I’m supposed to be finishing up a couple bridesmaid dresses for some friends of mine right now, but it’s 4 minutes into my birthday dammit, and I’ma take a minute to ruminate on that.
Today I am 28. There’s no questioning that I’m in the denouement of my 20s: I’m married, I own property (thank you MD marriage law), I just paid off my car, we’re talking about future discussions of a family (hey, we are still Millennials we have to put off SOMETHING).
28. It’s a big year. It’s the age my mom was when she got pregnant with me. I’ve officially survived long enough to not qualify for the 27 Club, not that I’ve done anything to qualify me in the first place. I’m not saying I haven’t done anything with my life, because I have.
I have one full Bachelors Degree, one half of a Bachelors Degree, and 80% of a WebDesign Certificate. I have an amazing husband who is sometimes the other half of horrible fights, but even then the depth of love we have for each other, and our ability to grow as a couple with each marital and life difficulty, grows every day. I have a support system in my immediate family and friends that is enviable to say the least. I have a career (that I CHOSE) that sometimes flounders, but is often going too well for me to keep up with, which is a pretty hard problem to complain about. I have stability and love pouring in at me from all sides.
What I don’t have, are stability and love coming from within. I am happy with myself, and sometimes I even love myself, but often I find myself chastising myself for things I’ve done or said, or things I didn’t do or say, and getting upset and ashamed at myself for just being me.
I am loud and I talk too much, and I have a lot of opinions. I love the people around me with a ferocity that can be off-putting or scary. I often shove my foot in my mouth and don’t quite know how to wrench it out, so I just start narrating my thoughts. I am sometimes honest to a fault, and I sometimes go too far to make someone else feel better, saying anything I can to make them smile, hurting myself or others in the process. I am jealous of my friendships, regardless of how hard I try not to be. I can have a temper that is so fast to flame, I have to leave a room so I don’t decimate a relationship, which makes me seem non-confrontational or catty when I pride myself in my honesty.
These are all things that actually keep me up at night, going over and over scenarios in my head. How could I have done that better? Why did I SAY that? Do they really like me? How can anyone like me when I can be so awful? Why don’t people like me MORE?
I think, though, in my 28th year, I am ready to be me. My 2014 resolution is “less talky talky, more action,” and my resolution for 28 is to accept the way I am, and OWN it. I am a really cool person and I am worth knowing, and sometimes I go too far, but this is not something to apologize for. I don’t expect anyone I love to apologize for their shortcomings, and I want to stop feeling so guilty for mine.
So yeah. Basically, I’ma be me this year, y’all. The loud, messy, opinionated, political me who loves rabidly and really wants everyone to just be honest and have a good time.
I’ll let you know how it works out.