Jitters and Self Medication

May 29, 2014 § Leave a comment

I can’t sleep because I had too much coffee today, which is a problem because I have to be at work early to finish up client work and my promised renderings (to another work) aren’t finished but my brain won’t focus on anything that matters.

I hate renderings.

There, I said it. I don’t feel confident in my drawing capabilities, and it’s not something that comes easily to me, and I’m lazy because I was always smart growing up and it made me lazy. That’s a lazy excuse I know, but here we are. I don’t like to do things I’m not good at, like these:


I keep making these half hearted attempts at “exploring my boundaries” when I’m really just searching for my style. Do I prefer pencils? Charcoal? Pastels? Watercolors? Computer graphics? So far the answer is I dread all of them. Honestly I would probably enjoy mixed media the most, because I prefer to build and sculpt with my hands above all else. But I’m lazy and tired and overbooked, and don’t like to try new things I might not be good at, ESPECIALLY if they take more than half an hour.

Not looking for answers tonight, just ranting into my phone because I’m too full of caffeine to do what I should, ie the thing I constantly lecture everyone I know and love to do more of, ie take care of my body.

Oh, and I’m supposed to go to Bikram tomorrow night, so what with the coffee and the wine and the perfume that I’m definitely allergic to but wear anyway, I plan on having many regrets. Why not add ugly renderings to the mix; I’ll sweat those out with the rest of them.


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