June 19, 2014 § Leave a comment
So exactly one week ago tomorrow morning, I realized I hadn’t had any coffee for almost 24 hours, and decided on a whim to just go with it. A week later, I have had a few teas but no coffee, I am definitely sleeping better, and it is getting HARDER EVERY DAY.
I also had some subconscious nudging in the form of this article, which blew my mind regarding insomnia and creativity. Maybe the reason I feel crazy and run down all the time IS BECAUSE I’M CRAZY AND RUN DOWN.
But I fall to the insomniac side of the spectrum naturally, and am the kind of rapid-thought, unfocused, energetic person who really shouldn’t be ingesting uppers anyway. Even before this week I had discovered by trial and error that I absolutely and definitely cannot have caffeine after 4pm. 3:45 is ok, but 4:01 and I’m up til 5am. So I’m soldiering on without my favorite morning/early afternoon pick-me-up, but I am not kidding this addiction thing is HARD.
When I was in college I remember thinking “I could have caffeine, but I’d rather just sleep.” AND THEN DOING THAT. I didn’t get addicted until my day-job-from-hell-that-got-me-my-401k-and-pre-Obamacare-health-insurance-so-really-no-regrets. I would get boredom/cabin fever/I hate my boss coffee like 5 times a day, no wonder I was basically having a nervous breakdown when Mr. B finally begged me to quit for all our sanity. (Which I did, thankfully, and therefore retain my friendships and family ties.)
Then the studio runs on coffee. We gather around the pot in the morning to mentally prep for the day, and it is emptied and refilled all day long. So this week was rough. But it’s 11:30 and I’m in bed, which is basically a miracle.
So here’s to another coffee-less week with preferably less yawning, and to maybe even regaining some creativity and clarity. That would be really nice and make art feel worthwhile I think.
June 13, 2014 § Leave a comment
People die so suddenly and easily, sometimes I don’t understand how anyone makes it into old age. And then I talk to people who have never lost anyone, and I feel like I can’t even relate to them on this really basic human level. And then I think of loved ones who’ve lost parents, and close friends, and spouses, and I feel incredibly lucky and afraid. Like what’s so special about me that I haven’t suffered that level of loss yet?
Loss is inevitable, but its suddenness and randomness and unevenness is what always takes me offguard. A little girl who before her 5th birthday experienced more trouble in her life than I hope to should not lose her father only a couple years later. Newlyweds should not be split by a car accident. One I knew, one I knew the best friend, but both have been haunting me this week, after my year of funerals.
I’ve experienced enough in my life to know it only gets worse; people only get more dauntless and more frail. No one worries after themselves the way the people who love them worry after them, and with each phone call I feel even more lost.
I’m tired of funerals; I’m ready for births.
June 12, 2014 § 1 Comment
I am frustrated today.
It is becoming increasingly clear that I am a “boss” character at the day job, meaning my coworkers are becoming closer to each other while I am strictly an at-work friend. This would be perfectly fine since I *am* a boss character, but since my promotion had no money behind it and I make roughly the same salary as a high school dropout, I find it frustrating to also suddenly have no peers.
I find it frustrating that regardless of the fact that I often work 80+ hour weeks between my multiple jobs, I currently have less than $100 in my bank account. Because I am always waiting to be reimbursed, waiting to be paid, waiting waiting waiting and all the while working working working. And I am terrified that I will never be in a secure place to start a family because of my work.
I am burned out, and I am stretched too thin, and I am frustrated with all of my (currently 4) jobs. I am often lauded for being a miracle worker, with time, with budgets, with any and all constraints lobbed at theatre professionals all the time. But today I don’t want to be a miracle worker. Today I just want to sleep, and hang out with my husband, and maybe clean my house so I can find things like important files and my keys when I need them.
June 5, 2014 § Leave a comment
The great and terrible thing about being the level of designer I am is that I am usually paying out of pocket up front to turn receipts in later.
It’s terrible because I’m spending a ton of money up front for work, every month. It’s great because sometimes the stores only do returns for store credit, and then “free” shopping trip for me!
In other news, this summer just became the summer of the brightly patterned short.
June 3, 2014 § Leave a comment
This past weekend was the kind of weekend where I got to pretend I was a normal (read: non-theatre) person and it was perfect. Saturday was busy with all relaxing things: a self defense class on the mall at my alma mater, brunch with my best ladies, a movie to kill some time in between, and a cookout/housewarming to finish the night. At the housewarming I was pulled into a few conversations with current theatre people and we did that instinctual thing where we only talked about work even though it’s not everything we have in common, and one with an ex-theatre person where I felt awkward talking about theatre but didn’t know what else to say, and finally with the beautiful people I call my dearest in which we cracked up for over an hour over every kind of joke that can be made with a stale baguette as a prop.
Sunday was Mr. B’s and my first wedding anniversary, and it was gorgeous out and much cooler than the same day last year. We picnicked at the lake where we got engaged, took a walk, took some pictures, and I didn’t even think about work. Even when we got home and parted ways for a few hours I didn’t think about work. Then dinner on the grill in our little backyard with our last unopened wedding gift (a bottle of sweet champagne), our cake top (still delicious), and the playlist my friend made for our wedding cocktail hour in the background. It felt good to pretend weekends are always like this: relaxing and perfect and in love.
But then today it was back into work mode, back into show mode, back into prepping and planning for too many things at once mode. Back to getting home when many people are starting to get ready for bed. And the worst part is, I love it. I love them both. I can’t imagine my life without either of those sides of it, and wish I could have more time to focus on both.
I long to have a life where doing laundry, going to the grocery store, seeing loved ones, and catching an unplanned movie with friends are not foreign concepts. But then I get that thrill when a design suddenly *works* and everything begins falling into place, or when I find or finish the perfect piece that makes me want to step back and say, “Oh HELL yes.”
It can be a major problem when too many things in your life make you happy. But I guess of all the problems to have, that’s not the worst.